FLORAL & FADING

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Remember when we were young? All the things seem easy, achievable even the hardest task given upon. I remember when I was young. I was brought up in middle class family. It was during the 90’s – my first primary school. I lived in rural area – far away from urban and industrial city. The closest big city from our place is about 2 hours trip by car but no one able to afford the car that time – Malaysian first car produced at the same time.

Grew up in a big low-income class family with 7 other siblings, we have endured several difficult time. When other children were given money to school – my siblings and I need to find our own way to collect our own money but it is never a problem – we can do anything – I remember selling packed ground nuts, Nasi Lemak and other things to have some pocket money. I was never ashamed of doing that instead I was proud – I was able to do something. It is not that our parent are not being responsible towards us but it was us – understanding the hardship and willingly commit everything to lessen the burden. It was hard – but achievable and it does more than just lessening the burden of my parent but also creating and strengthening the bond.

Fast forward to 2017. All my siblings had graduated from local universities – getting their own job and living their live – including me. Our bond remain the same – we protect each other, we took care of each other. Still, all for one and one for all.

Being a grown up – it is harder than I expected. Getting task done and completed – its hard. Waking up early – almost impossible. While, I remember I used to wake up as early as 5 am in the morning helping up my mother to prepared Nasi Lemak to be sold at school. Earning money – living a simple life was hard. Go to work everyday – having dream crush by bosses, procrastinating over the hard task, those Monday’s blues. I never expected this. Why I can survived my childhood – earning my own pocket money, waking up early, enjoying everyday but as I grew up all those things seems to kiss me goodbye. It looks like all the floral has faded.

Why are the little-me so much more creative than adult-me? How does that creativity get crushed? What really changed? I missed the moment of not knowing what is not possible. For me everything is feasible.  Getting praise and encouragement from their parents and teachers for almost any work I do – even for the simplest thing ever such as folding my own shirt, washing my own shoes and other shit. I missed listening to stories, tales of magic and that help me to see that everything around me doing all sorts of amazing things. As far as I concerned every problem can be solved.

Adults on the the other hand are only too well versed in what I cannot achieve and what cannot be done. I am surrounded by rules, regulations, laws and compliance. Often that I have experienced rejections, failures and humiliations. At some stage I have worked for a difficult boss who was not interested in my ideas – just in getting the job done on time.

I want to it all again. I do not want let the floral to fade.

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