EMPTY WALL OF MEMORIES

Last night, after a wonderful night out with my friend – I sit alone as all my friends had fall asleep. I cannot sleep and it’s has been for few week. I miss your laughter, your smile and the stories we told each other. I am left staring at the empty wall – drawing imaginary memories with you. I feel empty – sank into the dark pit of loneliness.

Emptiness – sometimes made us strong. Made us realize who we really are, what we really need. The test of faith – in our own capabilities. The test of how well we know ourselves. We fear being without friends, family, or a partner. We get anxious about traveling alone to strange places, and being lost without anyone to hold our hand. We fear taking on life without a shoulder to lean on, for fear that we’re not strong enough or good enough to stand on our own two feet.

This is natural – this resistance to being alone. We’ve all felt it deep down in our own way, though we often try desperately to ignore and deny it – his is one of the greatest causes of our stressful unproductive life. To avoid being or feeling alone we tend to socialize endlessly, online and offline. We will date, and even marry, someone who is not right for us, just to have someone to cling to – someone to fill up the empty space in our lives. We’ll watch hours of TV, or stuff our faces with junk food, or buy toys we don’t really need, because these things are replacements for love – especially self-love.

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Last night I was not alone, I was accompanied by my friends – but still I feel lonely – like something is missing (indeed). Then I realize that being alone is different from the feeling of loneliness. Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone. One can be truly lonely in the midst of a crowded room – much like what I felt. Thus, the trouble is not always in being alone – it’s being lonely in the presence of others.

I need to change it. I need to move on and get on with my life – and the fact that I am now walking alone should have not change anything. I need to be more aware of the people who sticks around me, the opportunities that come and accept the challenge in front of me as a way for me to move forward and grow stronger. I have to open our minds to the empowering nature of being alone. I tend to see solitude from the negative side and mirror it into grim and imprisoning. But in fact the exact opposite can be true. Solitude can be seen as freeing, as an opportunity for exploration and growth – an opportunity to get to know and love myself, deeply.

I realize that I need to keep this in mind – I have a good friends and a good company in front of me whom always there for me. I should get out of this misery – the failure of my previous relationship and move on as the ship has long set the sail. I need to choose my relationships wisely – I need to choose whom deserved to be kept and accepted that it was not meant to be for me and you. It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.

My eyes finally met your smile, Healing me with its glare, A new grave was then formed, Beside you. As I lay comfortably numb, in captive solitary. In a world where, I miss you no more. – Chaosxdblog | No More

And if I do decide to come back to being with someone special, I will do so whole-heartedly and not just for the sake not being alone. Until then I will work on loving myself and drove myself out of this emptiness.

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